I just wanted to share my beautiful niece with you. Today has been a rough day, but seeing these photos reminds me how much He loves us. She's amazing. So here's Ireland Joy...the coolest niece in the world. :)

I'm looking out for God's little pieces of joy he gives me everyday. Pieces of happiness, fun or beauty. Man, God is good. Enjoy today.

Just a Ragamuffin

Today I am realizing how necessary it is that I publicly give glory to God. I've been home for almost two weeks now, yet I have not written down all that he has done. The last few days have been, for lack of better words, painful. Since coming home, I have felt very unsettled and restless. Being with family has been wonderful, but home has even felt different. Friendships from home have struggled-the spiritual depth just seems to be fading with a few. I realize how beautifully changed I am after God's work in me this summer, but there was more to it than that. I was scared.

Last Tuesday, I went to bed feeling very anxious. I didn't sleep very long before I woke up and could not rest. I was wide awake and well aware that the Holy Spirit wanted me that way. I went to my chair and opened up to none other than Psalm 62...my favorite. As I read, the words jumped out to me like never before. Each word hit me with new intensity and truth. Not only did I read that Psalm but I moved onto the 63rd. It had been right there all this time, yet I never really moved over to read it.

Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Resting in my Father is amazing. I love knowing I will never be shaken. Still, knowing something and acting in it are very different. I was telling God I trusted him, declaring rest in him, but I was not living like I believed this. I could not see past my anxiety about school, finances, relationships and God's goodness. The night God woke me changed things. After asking for forgiveness and truly not wanting to let fear block my trust again, I glorified God for his goodness. I asked for trust rather than clarity, and I committed to stifling the craving for reassurances.

In the midst of all this, I've been reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. From the second night I spent in Denver, the beauty of grace has been set in front of me. And here is where I get to tell you about my Summer of Grace.

Walking into The Experience this summer, I was excited and a bit naive. I had very little knowledge of what the summer looked like, and I loved this element of surprise. Many of you know that I really had simple expectations for the summer. I wanted to be rooted in Christ, knowing fully how beautifully he had made me. Also, I wanted to follow Jesus no matter the circumstances or requirements. In the first two weeks, God was faithful to completely affirm my identity in him. As I said, the second night in Denver set the theme for my time with KBM. I was overwhelmed by my performace-ridden past. I had been somewhat of a slave to achievement, and it had become too much. I sat amongst this team of nine students, two coaches and very obviously, the Holy Spirit with a need for grace. As I confessed my lack of trust and disbelief in God's goodness, I couldn't hold back the tears. My new team supported me with prayer, and I was able to rest in God's love for me. That night, one of our coaches, Rob, took me aside and challenged me to pursue grace. Or rather, to seek God and know his grace.

Oh man, did God take it from there! I began to live in a new freedom as I understood grace. The Holy Spirit really convicted me of my fear as it blocked complete trust in him. With grace, trust became more understandable. It suddenly seemed so simple to trust God's grace and live freely. As our team moved into different scenarios and stations, God continued to teach me so much. Our time in the Dominican Republic was amazing. I loved working with our team, though it was extremely difficult at times, and seeing God work. As I continued to trust and learn about grace, God blessed me with affirmation. I learned I am very much a leader-it's not just something I've hoped for and acted in. I really believe God has set me aside for leadership in some way, and I'm excited about understanding how I continue to seek him. Also, our time in the DR allowed me to respond to that tapping on the shoulder of the Holy Spirit. I'm well aware that he often prompts me, but I'm not always available. I want to keep practicing responding!

I was also very driven by the fact that love is active. Sometimes I try to make ministry a project or task, yet it's really about loving God, which in turn allows us to love others. This was a huge piece of beauty in the DR. Not only did I see active love in the people there, but I saw it in my team and coaches. God is so good. I just can't get over him. :)

From there, our team headed into Deep Camp, a summer camp put on by KBM as they joined with Springhill Camp in Seymore, Indiana. Again, God was all about trust. I was put in a leadership position, and I had to fully depend on him during the week. I was also dealing with a few nagging questions that carried over from the DR. Wednesday morning, I woke up and spent time with Jesus before an early worship time. In my prayer time and journaling, I felt very focused on a few ideas. I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me that day and reveal to me what he was saying. Then, as I spent time in worship that morning, those specific ideas from earlier came up almost word for word.

*Break my heart for what breaks yours-I had prayed these words as I woke up and to my delight, we sang Hosanna. If you know the song, you know those words come straight from its lyrics.
*Restore to me the joy of your salvation-I had been struggling to take joy in Jesus' saving grace, even after all he'd shown me. Then, that specific scripture was read in worship. Woh!
*Don't settle for less-Oh man, I had been praying for God's will a lot. I knew I had my own desires, but by no means did I want to miss God's best. And again, I heard someone speak about waiting for God's very best and not settling for anything less.

I took all this and went off by myself later that morning. I knew there was something, but I couldn't quite get it. Uggh...sometimes I'm so dense. :) I called my mom on a whim because I felt like I just needed to talk to her. In our conversation, I told her I thought God might be pointing me towards overseas missions. As I spoke the words, I was amazed by the ah-ha moment. This was huge because for so long I was intent on going to school forever, getting my doctorate and being a successful, intellectual communicator. Suddenly, I knew this was my plan and not God's. I felt very strongly about communicating, but now I wanted to do it with a different group of people. So God in his amazing grace backed that up with affirmation. My mom just poured into me how she had known this was something God would have for me. Not only that, she had been talking with a close family friend about it and they too affirmed this...before I had said anything. My mom knew from the way I talked about the DR that God was changing my heart. I had always thought others were more geared towards missions and I was pretty much a U.S. girl. I know now that God wants me to go. It's strange and awesome, and I'm excited about following him.

God also blessed me with the opportunity to stay an extra 2 weeks and be an intern for the 16 Days group. I was so excited! This again gave me an excellent opportunity to trust and seek God. In the two weeks that we spent with high school students, we went camping in the mountains, drove RV's to Seattle, visited the Mormon Tabernacle and got to love on lots of people. I loved seeing God in these teens. They challenged me greatly and again, God affirmed something to me. I want to work with teens! This entire summer I have worked with students-in the DR we spent time with the students at the school, at Deep Camp and then on 16 Days. Not only did I enjoy all these students, but I was energized by them. I loved seeing God's presence and moving work in them.

So, who knows? At this point, I could see God sending me to Denmark to work with youth. Not that specifically, but from what I've heard from him, I know he's leading me into something wonderful. I have very little idea what the future looks like, but I know I'm ready to follow at all costs. Like I said, the hardest part has been getting through these transition days. I'm trusting God with my heart, my future and my responsibilites.

I know he is good. And I know he is strong, full of love. I know I don't deserve any of the affirmation or grace God has given me. Yet he sees me as his own and positionally perfect. I'm just a ragamuffin-undeserving, unworthy and unable to be without him. There's a lot of joy in grace. I'm so thankful for joy. And I must say HOSANNA! All glory to God for who I am and what he has done.

Seeing Grace in Colorado

Hey there! So, presently I am sitting in a comfy hotel room with some amazing girls. We spent the day hiking Bear Peak in Boulder, and now we're just about dead. :) The hike was amazing, and the view from the top was even better! The guys won't let us claim our "rock climbing" pride because we didn't actually "rock climb", but Laura and I like to think the huge rocks we struggled over count. It is Day 6 of the 45 days of The Experience, and I'm overwhelmed by the joy of this adventure. 

The last week has been full of classroom time with KBM staff, lots of laughter and plenty of God-given joys. We came in with the warning that these first days would feel like taking a drink from a fire hydrant, and we've found that they were very right. The days have been full of information to swallow and meditate upon. Already God has brought our team of 10 together in a beautiful way. Personally, this week has blown me away. I guess I should really say Jesus has blown me away. I came into this experience with great hopes that God would teach me whatever I needed in order to make me more like him. And on Tuesday, he met me right where I needed, but it was pretty unexpected. To put it pretty simply, I was struggling to take hold of God's truth as I fought off the Enemy's competing thoughts. My mind was clouded and I couldn't focus on Jesus. I realized I was just so stubborn to give him control and to give my sin of comparison over to him. After having it pulled out of me by our coach, Terrence, I spilled everything to my team. God was gracious enough to bring the team's love and prayers right then, and he also used our other coach, Rob, to speak the challenge of grace into me. From then on, my eyes have been completely refocused. A lot of it is my conscious effort to choose and see God's truth and hold onto grace. I've allowed myself to fall into his grace and know true joy and contentment. I'm still on the way, of course, but this week has been a beautiful change. I'm expanding on hopes I thought were impractical, loving the desires of my heart rather than suppressing them and seeking God's wisdom in it all. 

Along with all that, we've been learning what it means to really love people. Service is actively showing love and like Jesus, I want to love people "along the way". Ministry is not a job or a mission that I turn off and on. It's a part of everyday life; loving every person we meet and come into contact with. So, I've been challenged to value my waitress or the guy behind the coffee bar in  a way that simply shows them they are deserving of great love. Also, I'm learning that my love relationship, my intimacy with Jesus matters most. When we bring it all back to Jesus and get the focus off ourselves, things seem so much clearer. This means that even as I pursue a life of ministry, my eyes are on him. I don't want to be so focused on what "I" can do for him that I lose sight of what He's already doing. Along with that, there is the promise that he will use me. And my ministry looks like me. I don't want to copy someone else's method or try and serve in a way I view as glamorous. I want to be Jesus where he is needed. I want to bring the power source to others, and I do want to feel purposeful. I know living for Jesus, alone, is enough purpose. To know him and share him is really more than enough. Still, I feel that I am being prepared for God's good work. 

I'm excited to be lead my the Spirit. I love the Holy Spirit. It has taken me a long time to understand him, and I still need so much guidance, but I've really fallen in love with God's Spirit. Tonight, I'm thankful for what God is teaching our team. I am blessed by the men and women surrounding me. They are God-seekers, people-lovers and Body-builders. I was thinking how amazing it is that I get to be here. Thank you, Jesus, for this opportunity. This chance to learn more and grow more. Teach me to love my team, encourage and pray for them. you are good, you are grace and you are power. 

I know God is doing immeasurably more than I can imagine. I know he's working, and I'm just asking for wisdom to take the next steps. Please pray for my humility and willingness as our time progresses. I'm excited, but of course, the unknown is always a little unnerving! Love you all, and enjoy today!

Why do I continue to feel that God does not want to give me his best? I think I talk about God being good, but I don't believe he has such good things for me. I hate that! Ugggh, I'm so sick of being in this rut. I haven't been happy with myself for quite some time now. Almost 5 months! Today it hit me that all along I've had this horrible attitude about who I am, what I deserve, how valuable I am. God has broken me in a way that is allowing me to see how wrong I've been. I've been believing so many lies, but I just keep taking hold of them. Why wouldn't God have great things planned for me? Why won't I meet the man of my dreams, have a wonderful family, find a career I love and serve Jesus in my gifting? Why can't that all happen? It can, silly. It will. Well, to some extent at least. I'm learning to pray for what is on my  heart while at the same time, truly desiring God's will. 

It's rough, I'll say. I've loved being home, but I haven't done a great job in seeing past my own self-misery. My mom is great at pulling my true feelings out of me, but sometimes I get so sick of being her needy daughter. The funny thing is, I'm not usually needy and dependent like this. I'm positive, optimistic, adventurous and confident in Christ. I don't like the person I've been playing these last few months. Today, Lord, make me more like you. Make me like your Romans 12 Christians who desired to surrender themselves and love others unconditionally. Help me to find my identity in you, in your Truth. 

I leave Sunday for The Experience, a Kingdom Building Ministries program I'm a part of this summer. For the next 6 weeks, I'm hoping to be broken, humbled and transformed by Jesus. I want to know his love in a new way, but also know how to love like he does. I'm nervous about all that has to be done before I leave, but I'm trusting Jesus with all those details. I'm ready to start knowing Truth again. I'm hungry for God's Word in a new way, and that's such an answer to prayer. Maybe in all this, God was getting my attention so that I would focus directly on him now. If so, it's worth it. I'm ready to keep my eyes on him. 

Words I'm clinging to:

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

Nice Night for a Blog

Sooooo....

I'm learning a lot. I've been playing this tug of war with God over my joy for a while, and I realize I really hate this game. In the last week God has brought some things up that have been very obvious, but I'm just "too busy being busy" as someone said tonight. I've been waiting to be filled, to be inspired or served, while all the time I could be doing just those things for others. Ugggh...I hate "duh" moments. While talking with a good friend who shares my love for lists, we discussed that these lists are not great for our spiritual lives. We set ourselves up and when we don't succeed or complete our lists, we just break under disappointment. Plus, what do when we DO complete a list? Do we reward our little selves or what? All that said, I'm working on just enjoying these days simply for their own sake. No rewards, no lack of pain-just trying to enjoy today because it's here. God uses the ordinary all the time! I'm really thankful for the ordinary in my life. You could even call it boring sometimes, but none of it seems meaningless. I praying for a lot, hoping about much and asking for a whole bunch of guidance. :) I need it. Tonight though, I'm thankful for a lot. And like many, I'm enjoying musical partners in this growing process. Several songs have been on my mind lately, and here they are:

Let That Be Enough-Switchfoot

True Love-Phil Wickham

You Are My Hope-Skillet

Be At Rest-not sure :)

Psalm 62

Storm-Lifehouse

Joyful, Joyful-Sister Act 2 soundtrack :)

On Being Joyful and Content-Bradley Hathaway

The entire Glory Revealed album-awesome!

Enjoy the day. Oh and next tattoo...I'm thinking the word "oil" in Hebrew.

I love this peace.

Today.... has been a good day. It's only 1 p.m. and already, I've had an incredible day. Why? I don't know-it's just been a very joy-full day. I'm getting excited about my future, I'm enjoying where God has me presently and I'm hopeful for this very unsure summer. Now, I'm off to enjoy some sister time and relax for a bit. Hope your day is full of joy!

Getting back on track...

This semester has been very weird for me-just off. I can't seem to get in the swing of things. My schedule is off, my study habits are all over the place and even friendships feel a little jumbled. I've completely lost focus. Things are not unusually difficult or trying at all; I'm simply off track. I've been going through the motions of school and work, but I'm not really taking a lot of joy in these days. Why shouldn't I? There is so much good going on around me! God is so incredibly good! How can I miss this? 

Like I said, I'm not focusing on Jesus. That's where I've gone wrong. This past summer, I read The Pursuit of God in the midst of a similar non-focused time of my life. Once I was learning and understanding how wonderful this pursuit was, my whole mind set changed. Mundane things seemed glorious because they were opportunities to see Jesus. Work was fun because I saw it as a place to know people and reflect Jesus. My friendships were full and rich when I was whole heartedly seeking Jesus. The summer was tough, don't get me wrong, but it was so much more beautiful than it started. Sunday, I was asked to bring something to share in church due to our pastor being sick. A bunch of people shared from The Word, books and personal experiences. I shared from The Pursuit of God, and I was once again confronted with this choice: do I pursue God and experience this unbelievably rich relationship or do I safely walk through life in the boring, jumbled way I have been recently? I want that rich relationship. I want to see "miracles in the mundane" as my mom calls them. I want to be joyful despite my circumstances. 

So, here's the plan. First and foremost, my daily meetings with Jesus are a priority. As cheesy as I find the "dating Jesus" idea, I do want to look forward to our times together the way I would if I were going on date. Even more so! Then, I'm choosing to change my attitude about certain things. To be honest, I've had a bad attitude about a lot: my job, my amount of responsibility, my class and work load, not being in a relationship, my inabilities, etc. I'm embarrassed by this list, but I know it needs to be confronted.  I'm putting up notes tonight to remind me to love where I am..."love the people you work with" "enjoy tutoring" "have fun with your homework" "thank God for your friend". I'm excited to see my heart change when my mind first does the adjusting. Finally, I'm asking others to keep tabs on me. Friends, family, check up on me. Ask me how I'm enjoying this day, encourage me to work on my projects, call me out if I'm complaining about work. And thank you to you who love me-I'm so very aware of how blessed I am to be loved by you. Tonight is night one of the fresh start! Woo-hoo!