Why do I continue to feel that God does not want to give me his best? I think I talk about God being good, but I don't believe he has such good things for me. I hate that! Ugggh, I'm so sick of being in this rut. I haven't been happy with myself for quite some time now. Almost 5 months! Today it hit me that all along I've had this horrible attitude about who I am, what I deserve, how valuable I am. God has broken me in a way that is allowing me to see how wrong I've been. I've been believing so many lies, but I just keep taking hold of them. Why wouldn't God have great things planned for me? Why won't I meet the man of my dreams, have a wonderful family, find a career I love and serve Jesus in my gifting? Why can't that all happen? It can, silly. It will. Well, to some extent at least. I'm learning to pray for what is on my  heart while at the same time, truly desiring God's will. 

It's rough, I'll say. I've loved being home, but I haven't done a great job in seeing past my own self-misery. My mom is great at pulling my true feelings out of me, but sometimes I get so sick of being her needy daughter. The funny thing is, I'm not usually needy and dependent like this. I'm positive, optimistic, adventurous and confident in Christ. I don't like the person I've been playing these last few months. Today, Lord, make me more like you. Make me like your Romans 12 Christians who desired to surrender themselves and love others unconditionally. Help me to find my identity in you, in your Truth. 

I leave Sunday for The Experience, a Kingdom Building Ministries program I'm a part of this summer. For the next 6 weeks, I'm hoping to be broken, humbled and transformed by Jesus. I want to know his love in a new way, but also know how to love like he does. I'm nervous about all that has to be done before I leave, but I'm trusting Jesus with all those details. I'm ready to start knowing Truth again. I'm hungry for God's Word in a new way, and that's such an answer to prayer. Maybe in all this, God was getting my attention so that I would focus directly on him now. If so, it's worth it. I'm ready to keep my eyes on him. 

Words I'm clinging to:

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.