Just a Ragamuffin

Today I am realizing how necessary it is that I publicly give glory to God. I've been home for almost two weeks now, yet I have not written down all that he has done. The last few days have been, for lack of better words, painful. Since coming home, I have felt very unsettled and restless. Being with family has been wonderful, but home has even felt different. Friendships from home have struggled-the spiritual depth just seems to be fading with a few. I realize how beautifully changed I am after God's work in me this summer, but there was more to it than that. I was scared.

Last Tuesday, I went to bed feeling very anxious. I didn't sleep very long before I woke up and could not rest. I was wide awake and well aware that the Holy Spirit wanted me that way. I went to my chair and opened up to none other than Psalm 62...my favorite. As I read, the words jumped out to me like never before. Each word hit me with new intensity and truth. Not only did I read that Psalm but I moved onto the 63rd. It had been right there all this time, yet I never really moved over to read it.

Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Resting in my Father is amazing. I love knowing I will never be shaken. Still, knowing something and acting in it are very different. I was telling God I trusted him, declaring rest in him, but I was not living like I believed this. I could not see past my anxiety about school, finances, relationships and God's goodness. The night God woke me changed things. After asking for forgiveness and truly not wanting to let fear block my trust again, I glorified God for his goodness. I asked for trust rather than clarity, and I committed to stifling the craving for reassurances.

In the midst of all this, I've been reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. From the second night I spent in Denver, the beauty of grace has been set in front of me. And here is where I get to tell you about my Summer of Grace.

Walking into The Experience this summer, I was excited and a bit naive. I had very little knowledge of what the summer looked like, and I loved this element of surprise. Many of you know that I really had simple expectations for the summer. I wanted to be rooted in Christ, knowing fully how beautifully he had made me. Also, I wanted to follow Jesus no matter the circumstances or requirements. In the first two weeks, God was faithful to completely affirm my identity in him. As I said, the second night in Denver set the theme for my time with KBM. I was overwhelmed by my performace-ridden past. I had been somewhat of a slave to achievement, and it had become too much. I sat amongst this team of nine students, two coaches and very obviously, the Holy Spirit with a need for grace. As I confessed my lack of trust and disbelief in God's goodness, I couldn't hold back the tears. My new team supported me with prayer, and I was able to rest in God's love for me. That night, one of our coaches, Rob, took me aside and challenged me to pursue grace. Or rather, to seek God and know his grace.

Oh man, did God take it from there! I began to live in a new freedom as I understood grace. The Holy Spirit really convicted me of my fear as it blocked complete trust in him. With grace, trust became more understandable. It suddenly seemed so simple to trust God's grace and live freely. As our team moved into different scenarios and stations, God continued to teach me so much. Our time in the Dominican Republic was amazing. I loved working with our team, though it was extremely difficult at times, and seeing God work. As I continued to trust and learn about grace, God blessed me with affirmation. I learned I am very much a leader-it's not just something I've hoped for and acted in. I really believe God has set me aside for leadership in some way, and I'm excited about understanding how I continue to seek him. Also, our time in the DR allowed me to respond to that tapping on the shoulder of the Holy Spirit. I'm well aware that he often prompts me, but I'm not always available. I want to keep practicing responding!

I was also very driven by the fact that love is active. Sometimes I try to make ministry a project or task, yet it's really about loving God, which in turn allows us to love others. This was a huge piece of beauty in the DR. Not only did I see active love in the people there, but I saw it in my team and coaches. God is so good. I just can't get over him. :)

From there, our team headed into Deep Camp, a summer camp put on by KBM as they joined with Springhill Camp in Seymore, Indiana. Again, God was all about trust. I was put in a leadership position, and I had to fully depend on him during the week. I was also dealing with a few nagging questions that carried over from the DR. Wednesday morning, I woke up and spent time with Jesus before an early worship time. In my prayer time and journaling, I felt very focused on a few ideas. I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me that day and reveal to me what he was saying. Then, as I spent time in worship that morning, those specific ideas from earlier came up almost word for word.

*Break my heart for what breaks yours-I had prayed these words as I woke up and to my delight, we sang Hosanna. If you know the song, you know those words come straight from its lyrics.
*Restore to me the joy of your salvation-I had been struggling to take joy in Jesus' saving grace, even after all he'd shown me. Then, that specific scripture was read in worship. Woh!
*Don't settle for less-Oh man, I had been praying for God's will a lot. I knew I had my own desires, but by no means did I want to miss God's best. And again, I heard someone speak about waiting for God's very best and not settling for anything less.

I took all this and went off by myself later that morning. I knew there was something, but I couldn't quite get it. Uggh...sometimes I'm so dense. :) I called my mom on a whim because I felt like I just needed to talk to her. In our conversation, I told her I thought God might be pointing me towards overseas missions. As I spoke the words, I was amazed by the ah-ha moment. This was huge because for so long I was intent on going to school forever, getting my doctorate and being a successful, intellectual communicator. Suddenly, I knew this was my plan and not God's. I felt very strongly about communicating, but now I wanted to do it with a different group of people. So God in his amazing grace backed that up with affirmation. My mom just poured into me how she had known this was something God would have for me. Not only that, she had been talking with a close family friend about it and they too affirmed this...before I had said anything. My mom knew from the way I talked about the DR that God was changing my heart. I had always thought others were more geared towards missions and I was pretty much a U.S. girl. I know now that God wants me to go. It's strange and awesome, and I'm excited about following him.

God also blessed me with the opportunity to stay an extra 2 weeks and be an intern for the 16 Days group. I was so excited! This again gave me an excellent opportunity to trust and seek God. In the two weeks that we spent with high school students, we went camping in the mountains, drove RV's to Seattle, visited the Mormon Tabernacle and got to love on lots of people. I loved seeing God in these teens. They challenged me greatly and again, God affirmed something to me. I want to work with teens! This entire summer I have worked with students-in the DR we spent time with the students at the school, at Deep Camp and then on 16 Days. Not only did I enjoy all these students, but I was energized by them. I loved seeing God's presence and moving work in them.

So, who knows? At this point, I could see God sending me to Denmark to work with youth. Not that specifically, but from what I've heard from him, I know he's leading me into something wonderful. I have very little idea what the future looks like, but I know I'm ready to follow at all costs. Like I said, the hardest part has been getting through these transition days. I'm trusting God with my heart, my future and my responsibilites.

I know he is good. And I know he is strong, full of love. I know I don't deserve any of the affirmation or grace God has given me. Yet he sees me as his own and positionally perfect. I'm just a ragamuffin-undeserving, unworthy and unable to be without him. There's a lot of joy in grace. I'm so thankful for joy. And I must say HOSANNA! All glory to God for who I am and what he has done.