Seeking Balance

I would like to ask your forgiveness. I fear that I have been trying, for too long, to be something I'm not. I want to be perfect. There, I said it. I want so badly to be this or that, every thing I've decided is unique and worthy of people's time. In seeking authenticity, I've become a little plastic. 

I feel that I've been speaking words I want people to hear. I want people to know me, the genuine, me, yet I guess I'm not happy with the truth of who that really is. God has brought me so far in understanding my identity in him, yet I'm realizing now that I'm not yet resting in his Truth about me. I need him so desperately. I'm hurting. I feel very lost. And I hate how me-centered life has become. 

So here I am. I want to start over. Tonight, I am committing to live in Truth. I am precious to Jesus. I do not need to be some independent, celibate woman to prove that I'm secure. I want to fall in love. I want it badly. I also want to depend on Jesus more than any other being, including my future husband. I have dreamt about the man God will give me for the rest of my life. I have written him letters, prayed for him, and spent hours talking about him with my sister. :) I say all this, in some ways, to trump my last blog that I fear may have come off wrong. In no way do I want to be abrasive or controlling. God is the writer of my story, not me. I know that I'm made for relationship. We all are. And I know that God has set aside a specific person just for me-someone I can't wait to love with this heart and mind. I also know that I have not experienced that yet, and that's okay. I will rest in Jesus, and I will trust him.

I'm seeking balance-in relationships, in my future, and in my chaotic, introspective self. I tend to be a perfectionist, and it doesn't always benefit me. I've been praying for purpose, for stability, and I feel like I've just been frustrated rather than provided for. At least that's my side of the story. Meanwhile, God has been revealing his purpose to me. Purpose can be individualistic, but it is very much just part of knowing Jesus. My purpose is to glorify Jesus. I have not been keeping him at the front of my thoughts, and I see how I've been affected by that. 

So, friends, please forgive me. Please hold me accountable to trusting Jesus, seeking him, and seeking balance in my life. I want to be genuine in my relationships with you all. I want to love you the way I've been called to love you. I've not been doing a great job recently, but I'm excited about where God is going to take me from here. 

And to my family, I thank you for your unconditional love. Mom, I thank you for your words of Truth. Thank you for affirming me in my value. I have been a bit distant, and I apologize. I want to be a Godly daughter and sister, and I want to love you selflessly. 

I need to rest. I talk about it often, yet I have been so far removed from it. Rest...I'm seeking it, and I know it's close. Thanks for loving me, all. I'm so blessed by you.