Today's Joys

Good Morning

2010-11-09T08:02:00.001-08:00

I love mornings. Today, I'm thankful for getting up early for my lab, but getting done early enough to come home and shower. Plus, I was able to just take my time reading and journaling this morning. It's already a very good day.

Also, I get to see this guy in two weeks!!! I can't wait. Look at him. He's just the best. 14 days!!!!

Welcoming Wednesday

2010-11-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

It's such a perfect fall day. Chilly, slightly cloudy, and simply peaceful. I've been listening to the Dan in Real LIfe soundtrack, a favorite, and just sitting cozily in my warm house. It's a good day.

Here are two of the best parts of today:

My dad gave me this book for my birthday, and I love it. I'd never heard of this Steven Furtick or this book, but I love the truth in it. So challenging, encouraging and hopeful. Frankly, it knocks my socks off with excitement.

And here we have a beautiful friend, Karen. I just love this girl. We're on our way to do some thrift store shopping now. I'm so thankful for her and her friendship. Hmmm...love her.

Now I'm off to get rid of some old clothes and probably pick up a few things while I'm at it. I'm looking forward to the rest of my afternoon. :)

Today

2010-08-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today's Happenings:

*Went to church with Dad, Mom and David

*Came home after church and watched YouTube videos...thank you, Reed

*Went to lunch with family and talked about the Church (big C)

*Drove to Bethel to visit Laura, Rob, Rusty and other KBM fam

*Made a visit to Barnes and Noble to do an errand for Laura and spent some time there reading/journaling (B&N may be my favorite spot)

*Returned to Bethel and spent time with KBM folks

*Got crazy blessed and encouraged by three people who love Jesus and love me so well

*Talked to Reed as I drove home

*Had playtime and dinner with my parents, David, Paco, Emily and Ireland

*Chased Ireland through hallway and my room

*Enjoyed coffee and conversation (as you know, my favorite things) with the family in the living room

*Watched Ireland and our new puppy, Barnabas, interact

*Practiced my modeling skills (or simply good posture technique) as I walked through the house with a book on my head

*Blogged

In the last 24 hours, I've also enjoyed a few other things. Last night I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time, and I loved it. I've heard it was good, but I was caught off guard by how much I liked the movie.

And after watching that movie, I made a list of my current favorite actors/actresses.

-Matt Damon

-Adrian Brody

-Joseph Gordon Levitt

-Marion Cotillard

-Carey Mulligan

It's been a good day. God surprised me with great joy and peace and encouragement. That's so like him. :) What a good God.

Conversation

2010-08-06T20:49:00.001-07:00

I'm very thankful for two things tonight: coffee and conversation. My week has been good, but also kind of tough with Reed leaving on Monday. Honestly, I've had a hard time not getting down when I look at this next year. It seems so overwhelming and daunting. The cool thing? God's grace. He's been so good to show me all that I have and all that he's been faithful in. I'll miss Reed all year, but I have so much to be excited about.

Anyway, back to the coffee and talking thing. Today was spent in Mishawaka, and there was a lot of good conversation that happened. First, I was greatly encouraged by a meeting with my advisor and professor, Beth McLaughlin. In the afternoon, I spent some time with my sister, Emily, and my niece, Ireland. I always love time with Em because she just knows me so well and our time is so natural together. Finally, I finished off the day with coffee and hangout time with my friend, Hannah. It sounds simple, but that little chunk of time with her was so refreshing and uplifting. Two of my favorite things - coffee and friends - in one of my favorite places - Barnes and Noble.

I know I'm a communication person, so of course I should love the art of conversation. But it feels different to me. I think I could be content, no overjoyed, with a job that allowed me to frequently enjoy times of coffee meetings. Please, Jesus, let me be able to use that. :)

Hope

2010-08-04T09:07:00.001-07:00

Reed is currently driving across the country to settle in Fresno for the year, and I had put a few episodes from Timothy Keller's podcast on his iPhone. He listened to one at the beginning of his trip and suggested I listen to it, too. So I did.

This morning, I listened to Keller's "Sexuality and the Christian Hope". If you haven't read or heard Keller, he's great. I love his style of teaching and he's a really good communicator (of course, I would love that). Anyway, I learned a lot and was really challenged from this. One of my favorite parts of Keller's message was his recognition of real hope. I forget if it was his definition or he took it from someone else, but he describes our hope like this: life-shaping, joyous certainty that your future is the eternal love and glory of God in a renewed heaven and a renewed earth. That is crazy cool.

The rest of the message was equally stirring. If you want something different to listen to, just check it out on iTunes under the Timothy Keller podcast. Good stuff.

Philippians

2010-07-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

I've been reading through the Bible this year, as in straight through, and I'm presently still in the Old Testament. Yes, I'm a bit behind, but I don't need to finish in a year. I just want to read it all. Today, though, I started memorizing in Philippians. When I open up my Bible, this is the most marked up and noted portion of the book. I love this book. We learn about joy in all circumstances, trusting God and partnership in the Gospel. It's such good stuff! So I've decided I want to memorize it - Philippians. I'm going pretty slowly so that I can focus on sections at a time and really let it sink in. Today I started with the first 6 verses and I'll work on them until Monday.

As I was looking at this section today, I realized how cool verse 3 is. I don't know why I've kind of ignored this part, but it's so neat. "I thank my God every time I remember you." What an awesome piece of encouragement to give your brothers and sisters. There are so many people I should be thanking God for every time I think of them.

In other unrelated news, I found tiny gummy bears at a market today. They are so tasty. And I realized how much I love markets. They might be my favorite part of spring/summer.

Variety

2010-07-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

I love variety. I always say I'm going to grow my hair out, but then I end up cutting it about every three months. And I always want it to look different.

I can't eat the same thing twice in a row at a restaurant. I always want to try something new.

This need for variety is kind of funny. I mean, I say I don't like change, like most people, but I think I really do. It's kind of adventurous and mysterious. Just look at my blog. I get bored with it so easily and rather than update on a regular basis, I change the look of it every once in a while. Most of my posts have happened right after a little redecorating of the site. Today, I've also decided I don't need to blog serious, insightful or deeply personal things to enjoy writing. I used to think this blog was a place for me to throw up all these feelings and thoughts I needed to get out. But today, I'm very content. I like to write, and I don't quite know what I like to write yet. I'm okay with that.

I don't love the new blog background, though. Don't get me wrong, I love books. And more than that, I love bookshelves. :) But this book-filled wallpaper makes me feel like I'm trying super hard to be intellectual. Maybe I am. Please, you reading this, see me as an intellectual. Did the books help?

Alright, to wrap up today, I will tell you that I love Keith Green and Needtobreathe. And Phil Wickham. And as of this past week, I've been introduced to Florence and the Machine. Good stuff.

A slightly sappy reflection

2010-04-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today, I have finished up my junior year of college. That's just so weird. Besides the obvious "where did the time go" thoughts, I'm overwhelmed with all that this year has been. Maybe I'm just overly emotional and sappy because I only slept for an hour and a half last night. Or maybe I'm just so thankful for God's grace and faithfulness over the past school year. We'll go with that option.

I love to write, but today I feel like highlighting the year in a list of what God has done this year. It seems bittersweet to be wrapping up such a good year, but I'm so hopeful about what is to come.

So, here's what God's done in my junior year:

-Placed me in an RA position, on 3rd floor Tuckey, with amazing girls

-Allowed me to sing with Voices of Triumph

-Given me a beautiful and edifying RA team (Karleen, Jo, Kendra, Allison, Rachel and Julie...I love you dearly. You have been huge reflections of God's love and grace this year. Thank you.)

-Drawn me to himself through great unknowns

-Challenged me to trust him without reassurances

-Taught me to seek his face, no matter the circumstance

-Circumstance: not a real word, not an excuse...circumstances are just opportunties

-Helped me find joy in the little things (Still, I've struggled to be content with each day and not get overwhelmed. He is currently teaching me to love the ordinary of life.)

-Provided me with girls who have helped carry me this year. (Karen, Laura, Lyndsey - you three are my rocks. Thanks for loving me so well and for sharing in all that God is doing with us.)

-Brought Ben and Jen back to us! (I have loved this year of learning and growing with my family. Ben and Jen have taught me so much about trust and vulnerability. I'm so glad I get to be close to them again.)

-Ireland Joy Bayer! This little lady came in September and has since been this beautiful, funny, little addition to our family. I love this girl!

-With Ireland, God brought more time with Emily and opportunities to share together. I will never take for granted the friendship and depth I have with Em.

-Brought Dad and Mom here! And today, we found out that the house sold! Praise God! Easter Sunday was Dad's first day at County Line Brethren and our family spent the day together in our new home. Man, I love this.

-Surprised me with Reed Lyons. I don't want to say this was the biggest surprise of the year because that makes me sound kind of shallow. But truly, this gift of Reed has been knock-me-off-my-feet-and-show-me-a-new-kind-of-joy good. Since December, I have learned so much about this guy and I'm never disappointed. I love you, Reed, and I will never get sick of that dizzy feeling you give me. You love me beautifully. And you are so my favorite.

-Taken me back to his rest (I found myself forgetting every lesson of resting in God's grace...and I disliked what my heart was doing. This tattoo reminds me to sit before God with total trust. Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me back to that. I love you more today than I can express. I feel very inadequate in expressing my thanks. You are good and just and strong. Thank you for always pointing my eyes to you and your Truth. I trust and rest in you today.)

This Week's Favorites

2010-02-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

I love:

*Extra time

*My reconnection with Train...Hey, Soul Sister :)

*Notes on the mirror from my roommate

*Laura's answered prayer for New Life

*Suite Meet Reunions that cross an ocean via Laura's phone

*The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller

*Hugs from Reed

*Choir with Lyndsey

*The pleasant surprise of 4-wheel drive

*American Idol at Webster House

*Barnes and Noble date with Emily and Jen

*Being content with a night of laundry, checking e-mails and blogging

*Enjoying, really enjoying, today

Halellujah

2010-01-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

So, I don't always love Justin Timberlake, but he is an amazing musician. And I love this.

2010-01-18T08:48:00.001-08:00

I love the Avett Brothers.

I give you my apathy; I'm giving you all of me

2010-01-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

I've decided that apathy has to be the grossest and most perplexing thing. I've been in this weird state of anxiety topped off with a bit of apathy, and I have to tell you...I hate it.

Even when typing the word into the google images search engine and finding these graphics, I felt sick to my stomach. Apathy has to be the largest ruiner of joy and growth. Today, the "almost breaking point" for me, I was hit with a pile of discontent and disillusionment. I didn't want to be here, in the class I sat, at Bethel, in Mishawaka. Thoughts of quitting school jumped into my head. Nagging "what ifs" sat in my mind. I wanted to be away, to live simply and purposefully. I just felt like I was pursuing, well, nothing, really. I was sick of everything. And I was okay with that feeling.

Almost immediately, I was hit with God's compassionate Truth. This stuff, this apathy, was junk. I know Satan loves that tactic. He won't get us to turn to evil directly, but he'll make us numb and indifferent to all things of the Creator. Yuck. So gross. I want beauty and love and joy. This point of life feels a little standstill and hectic, pretty stressful at times. Still, I know it is good. I know God is good and loving. He has purpose for me and I can live fully for him right now. I like that it's simpler that I make it. Seek him, love him, enjoy him. Love others. Enjoy others.

So tonight, I'm giving him my apathy. And I'm so thankful for our God who takes it willingly and graciously. Man, I love our Father.

Back Again...

2009-12-30T10:16:00.001-08:00

Snapshots from the last few months:

Ben and Jen have returned! After a year in South Korea, they are back with the family and we love it.

These are a few of my 3rd floor ladies...I love being their RA.

And this is my Tuckey RA team (minus Hottie Hulie Beam). Love these girls!!!!

This is my incredible boyfriend, Reed. We started dating in December...and he's amazing. Great addition to my life. :)

Here we have the beautiful Bayer family, Emily, Ireland and Paco. We LOVE this baby girl, and she has been such an awesome part of this Christmas. Plus, Mommy and Daddy are amazing at this new parenting thing.

And finally, the Smith family is all together again. I am crazy blessed by these people. I love and like them so much!

God has been so good this past semester. He's always good, but I've been seeing that in new and beautiful ways recently. He's taught me to trust him ruthlessly, no matter how ridiculous life seems. He's shown me how joyful and awesome TODAY is. And he has given me the best family and friends to encourage, challenge and love me. I'm in love with my Jesus, and I'm so thankful for all that he gives me. Enjoy today, my friends. God is full of grace and truth.

2009-10-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share my beautiful niece with you. Today has been a rough day, but seeing these photos reminds me how much He loves us. She's amazing. So here's Ireland Joy...the coolest niece in the world. :)

I'm looking out for God's little pieces of joy he gives me everyday. Pieces of happiness, fun or beauty. Man, God is good. Enjoy today.

Just a Ragamuffin

2009-08-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today I am realizing how necessary it is that I publicly give glory to God. I've been home for almost two weeks now, yet I have not written down all that he has done. The last few days have been, for lack of better words, painful. Since coming home, I have felt very unsettled and restless. Being with family has been wonderful, but home has even felt different. Friendships from home have struggled-the spiritual depth just seems to be fading with a few. I realize how beautifully changed I am after God's work in me this summer, but there was more to it than that. I was scared.

Last Tuesday, I went to bed feeling very anxious. I didn't sleep very long before I woke up and could not rest. I was wide awake and well aware that the Holy Spirit wanted me that way. I went to my chair and opened up to none other than Psalm 62...my favorite. As I read, the words jumped out to me like never before. Each word hit me with new intensity and truth. Not only did I read that Psalm but I moved onto the 63rd. It had been right there all this time, yet I never really moved over to read it.

Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Resting in my Father is amazing. I love knowing I will never be shaken. Still, knowing something and acting in it are very different. I was telling God I trusted him, declaring rest in him, but I was not living like I believed this. I could not see past my anxiety about school, finances, relationships and God's goodness. The night God woke me changed things. After asking for forgiveness and truly not wanting to let fear block my trust again, I glorified God for his goodness. I asked for trust rather than clarity, and I committed to stifling the craving for reassurances.

In the midst of all this, I've been reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. From the second night I spent in Denver, the beauty of grace has been set in front of me. And here is where I get to tell you about my Summer of Grace.

Walking into The Experience this summer, I was excited and a bit naive. I had very little knowledge of what the summer looked like, and I loved this element of surprise. Many of you know that I really had simple expectations for the summer. I wanted to be rooted in Christ, knowing fully how beautifully he had made me. Also, I wanted to follow Jesus no matter the circumstances or requirements. In the first two weeks, God was faithful to completely affirm my identity in him. As I said, the second night in Denver set the theme for my time with KBM. I was overwhelmed by my performace-ridden past. I had been somewhat of a slave to achievement, and it had become too much. I sat amongst this team of nine students, two coaches and very obviously, the Holy Spirit with a need for grace. As I confessed my lack of trust and disbelief in God's goodness, I couldn't hold back the tears. My new team supported me with prayer, and I was able to rest in God's love for me. That night, one of our coaches, Rob, took me aside and challenged me to pursue grace. Or rather, to seek God and know his grace.

Oh man, did God take it from there! I began to live in a new freedom as I understood grace. The Holy Spirit really convicted me of my fear as it blocked complete trust in him. With grace, trust became more understandable. It suddenly seemed so simple to trust God's grace and live freely. As our team moved into different scenarios and stations, God continued to teach me so much. Our time in the Dominican Republic was amazing. I loved working with our team, though it was extremely difficult at times, and seeing God work. As I continued to trust and learn about grace, God blessed me with affirmation. I learned I am very much a leader-it's not just something I've hoped for and acted in. I really believe God has set me aside for leadership in some way, and I'm excited about understanding how I continue to seek him. Also, our time in the DR allowed me to respond to that tapping on the shoulder of the Holy Spirit. I'm well aware that he often prompts me, but I'm not always available. I want to keep practicing responding!

I was also very driven by the fact that love is active. Sometimes I try to make ministry a project or task, yet it's really about loving God, which in turn allows us to love others. This was a huge piece of beauty in the DR. Not only did I see active love in the people there, but I saw it in my team and coaches. God is so good. I just can't get over him. :)

From there, our team headed into Deep Camp, a summer camp put on by KBM as they joined with Springhill Camp in Seymore, Indiana. Again, God was all about trust. I was put in a leadership position, and I had to fully depend on him during the week. I was also dealing with a few nagging questions that carried over from the DR. Wednesday morning, I woke up and spent time with Jesus before an early worship time. In my prayer time and journaling, I felt very focused on a few ideas. I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me that day and reveal to me what he was saying. Then, as I spent time in worship that morning, those specific ideas from earlier came up almost word for word.

*Break my heart for what breaks yours-I had prayed these words as I woke up and to my delight, we sang Hosanna. If you know the song, you know those words come straight from its lyrics.
*Restore to me the joy of your salvation-I had been struggling to take joy in Jesus' saving grace, even after all he'd shown me. Then, that specific scripture was read in worship. Woh!
*Don't settle for less-Oh man, I had been praying for God's will a lot. I knew I had my own desires, but by no means did I want to miss God's best. And again, I heard someone speak about waiting for God's very best and not settling for anything less.

I took all this and went off by myself later that morning. I knew there was something, but I couldn't quite get it. Uggh...sometimes I'm so dense. :) I called my mom on a whim because I felt like I just needed to talk to her. In our conversation, I told her I thought God might be pointing me towards overseas missions. As I spoke the words, I was amazed by the ah-ha moment. This was huge because for so long I was intent on going to school forever, getting my doctorate and being a successful, intellectual communicator. Suddenly, I knew this was my plan and not God's. I felt very strongly about communicating, but now I wanted to do it with a different group of people. So God in his amazing grace backed that up with affirmation. My mom just poured into me how she had known this was something God would have for me. Not only that, she had been talking with a close family friend about it and they too affirmed this...before I had said anything. My mom knew from the way I talked about the DR that God was changing my heart. I had always thought others were more geared towards missions and I was pretty much a U.S. girl. I know now that God wants me to go. It's strange and awesome, and I'm excited about following him.

God also blessed me with the opportunity to stay an extra 2 weeks and be an intern for the 16 Days group. I was so excited! This again gave me an excellent opportunity to trust and seek God. In the two weeks that we spent with high school students, we went camping in the mountains, drove RV's to Seattle, visited the Mormon Tabernacle and got to love on lots of people. I loved seeing God in these teens. They challenged me greatly and again, God affirmed something to me. I want to work with teens! This entire summer I have worked with students-in the DR we spent time with the students at the school, at Deep Camp and then on 16 Days. Not only did I enjoy all these students, but I was energized by them. I loved seeing God's presence and moving work in them.

So, who knows? At this point, I could see God sending me to Denmark to work with youth. Not that specifically, but from what I've heard from him, I know he's leading me into something wonderful. I have very little idea what the future looks like, but I know I'm ready to follow at all costs. Like I said, the hardest part has been getting through these transition days. I'm trusting God with my heart, my future and my responsibilites.

I know he is good. And I know he is strong, full of love. I know I don't deserve any of the affirmation or grace God has given me. Yet he sees me as his own and positionally perfect. I'm just a ragamuffin-undeserving, unworthy and unable to be without him. There's a lot of joy in grace. I'm so thankful for joy. And I must say HOSANNA! All glory to God for who I am and what he has done.

Seeing Grace in Colorado

2009-05-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Hey there! So, presently I am sitting in a comfy hotel room with some amazing girls. We spent the day hiking Bear Peak in Boulder, and now we're just about dead. :) The hike was amazing, and the view from the top was even better! The guys won't let us claim our "rock climbing" pride because we didn't actually "rock climb", but Laura and I like to think the huge rocks we struggled over count. It is Day 6 of the 45 days of The Experience, and I'm overwhelmed by the joy of this adventure.

The last week has been full of classroom time with KBM staff, lots of laughter and plenty of God-given joys. We came in with the warning that these first days would feel like taking a drink from a fire hydrant, and we've found that they were very right. The days have been full of information to swallow and meditate upon. Already God has brought our team of 10 together in a beautiful way. Personally, this week has blown me away. I guess I should really say Jesus has blown me away. I came into this experience with great hopes that God would teach me whatever I needed in order to make me more like him. And on Tuesday, he met me right where I needed, but it was pretty unexpected. To put it pretty simply, I was struggling to take hold of God's truth as I fought off the Enemy's competing thoughts. My mind was clouded and I couldn't focus on Jesus. I realized I was just so stubborn to give him control and to give my sin of comparison over to him. After having it pulled out of me by our coach, Terrence, I spilled everything to my team. God was gracious enough to bring the team's love and prayers right then, and he also used our other coach, Rob, to speak the challenge of grace into me. From then on, my eyes have been completely refocused. A lot of it is my conscious effort to choose and see God's truth and hold onto grace. I've allowed myself to fall into his grace and know true joy and contentment. I'm still on the way, of course, but this week has been a beautiful change. I'm expanding on hopes I thought were impractical, loving the desires of my heart rather than suppressing them and seeking God's wisdom in it all.

Along with all that, we've been learning what it means to really love people. Service is actively showing love and like Jesus, I want to love people "along the way". Ministry is not a job or a mission that I turn off and on. It's a part of everyday life; loving every person we meet and come into contact with. So, I've been challenged to value my waitress or the guy behind the coffee bar in a way that simply shows them they are deserving of great love. Also, I'm learning that my love relationship, my intimacy with Jesus matters most. When we bring it all back to Jesus and get the focus off ourselves, things seem so much clearer. This means that even as I pursue a life of ministry, my eyes are on him. I don't want to be so focused on what "I" can do for him that I lose sight of what He's already doing. Along with that, there is the promise that he will use me. And my ministry looks like me. I don't want to copy someone else's method or try and serve in a way I view as glamorous. I want to be Jesus where he is needed. I want to bring the power source to others, and I do want to feel purposeful. I know living for Jesus, alone, is enough purpose. To know him and share him is really more than enough. Still, I feel that I am being prepared for God's good work.

I'm excited to be lead my the Spirit. I love the Holy Spirit. It has taken me a long time to understand him, and I still need so much guidance, but I've really fallen in love with God's Spirit. Tonight, I'm thankful for what God is teaching our team. I am blessed by the men and women surrounding me. They are God-seekers, people-lovers and Body-builders. I was thinking how amazing it is that I get to be here. Thank you, Jesus, for this opportunity. This chance to learn more and grow more. Teach me to love my team, encourage and pray for them. you are good, you are grace and you are power.

I know God is doing immeasurably more than I can imagine. I know he's working, and I'm just asking for wisdom to take the next steps. Please pray for my humility and willingness as our time progresses. I'm excited, but of course, the unknown is always a little unnerving! Love you all, and enjoy today!

2009-05-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

Why do I continue to feel that God does not want to give me his best? I think I talk about God being good, but I don't believe he has such good things for me. I hate that! Ugggh, I'm so sick of being in this rut. I haven't been happy with myself for quite some time now. Almost 5 months! Today it hit me that all along I've had this horrible attitude about who I am, what I deserve, how valuable I am. God has broken me in a way that is allowing me to see how wrong I've been. I've been believing so many lies, but I just keep taking hold of them. Why wouldn't God have great things planned for me? Why won't I meet the man of my dreams, have a wonderful family, find a career I love and serve Jesus in my gifting? Why can't that all happen? It can, silly. It will. Well, to some extent at least. I'm learning to pray for what is on my heart while at the same time, truly desiring God's will.

It's rough, I'll say. I've loved being home, but I haven't done a great job in seeing past my own self-misery. My mom is great at pulling my true feelings out of me, but sometimes I get so sick of being her needy daughter. The funny thing is, I'm not usually needy and dependent like this. I'm positive, optimistic, adventurous and confident in Christ. I don't like the person I've been playing these last few months. Today, Lord, make me more like you. Make me like your Romans 12 Christians who desired to surrender themselves and love others unconditionally. Help me to find my identity in you, in your Truth.

I leave Sunday for The Experience, a Kingdom Building Ministries program I'm a part of this summer. For the next 6 weeks, I'm hoping to be broken, humbled and transformed by Jesus. I want to know his love in a new way, but also know how to love like he does. I'm nervous about all that has to be done before I leave, but I'm trusting Jesus with all those details. I'm ready to start knowing Truth again. I'm hungry for God's Word in a new way, and that's such an answer to prayer. Maybe in all this, God was getting my attention so that I would focus directly on him now. If so, it's worth it. I'm ready to keep my eyes on him.

Words I'm clinging to:

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Nice Night for a Blog

2009-03-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

Sooooo....

I'm learning a lot. I've been playing this tug of war with God over my joy for a while, and I realize I really hate this game. In the last week God has brought some things up that have been very obvious, but I'm just "too busy being busy" as someone said tonight. I've been waiting to be filled, to be inspired or served, while all the time I could be doing just those things for others. Ugggh...I hate "duh" moments. While talking with a good friend who shares my love for lists, we discussed that these lists are not great for our spiritual lives. We set ourselves up and when we don't succeed or complete our lists, we just break under disappointment. Plus, what do when we DO complete a list? Do we reward our little selves or what? All that said, I'm working on just enjoying these days simply for their own sake. No rewards, no lack of pain-just trying to enjoy today because it's here. God uses the ordinary all the time! I'm really thankful for the ordinary in my life. You could even call it boring sometimes, but none of it seems meaningless. I praying for a lot, hoping about much and asking for a whole bunch of guidance. :) I need it. Tonight though, I'm thankful for a lot. And like many, I'm enjoying musical partners in this growing process. Several songs have been on my mind lately, and here they are:

Let That Be Enough-Switchfoot

True Love-Phil Wickham

You Are My Hope-Skillet

Be At Rest-not sure :)

Psalm 62

Storm-Lifehouse

Joyful, Joyful-Sister Act 2 soundtrack :)

On Being Joyful and Content-Bradley Hathaway

The entire Glory Revealed album-awesome!

Enjoy the day. Oh and next tattoo...I'm thinking the word "oil" in Hebrew.

I love this peace.

2009-03-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

Today.... has been a good day. It's only 1 p.m. and already, I've had an incredible day. Why? I don't know-it's just been a very joy-full day. I'm getting excited about my future, I'm enjoying where God has me presently and I'm hopeful for this very unsure summer. Now, I'm off to enjoy some sister time and relax for a bit. Hope your day is full of joy!

Getting back on track...

2009-02-17T18:41:00.000-08:00

This semester has been very weird for me-just off. I can't seem to get in the swing of things. My schedule is off, my study habits are all over the place and even friendships feel a little jumbled. I've completely lost focus. Things are not unusually difficult or trying at all; I'm simply off track. I've been going through the motions of school and work, but I'm not really taking a lot of joy in these days. Why shouldn't I? There is so much good going on around me! God is so incredibly good! How can I miss this?

Like I said, I'm not focusing on Jesus. That's where I've gone wrong. This past summer, I read The Pursuit of God in the midst of a similar non-focused time of my life. Once I was learning and understanding how wonderful this pursuit was, my whole mind set changed. Mundane things seemed glorious because they were opportunities to see Jesus. Work was fun because I saw it as a place to know people and reflect Jesus. My friendships were full and rich when I was whole heartedly seeking Jesus. The summer was tough, don't get me wrong, but it was so much more beautiful than it started. Sunday, I was asked to bring something to share in church due to our pastor being sick. A bunch of people shared from The Word, books and personal experiences. I shared from The Pursuit of God, and I was once again confronted with this choice: do I pursue God and experience this unbelievably rich relationship or do I safely walk through life in the boring, jumbled way I have been recently? I want that rich relationship. I want to see "miracles in the mundane" as my mom calls them. I want to be joyful despite my circumstances.

So, here's the plan. First and foremost, my daily meetings with Jesus are a priority. As cheesy as I find the "dating Jesus" idea, I do want to look forward to our times together the way I would if I were going on date. Even more so! Then, I'm choosing to change my attitude about certain things. To be honest, I've had a bad attitude about a lot: my job, my amount of responsibility, my class and work load, not being in a relationship, my inabilities, etc. I'm embarrassed by this list, but I know it needs to be confronted. I'm putting up notes tonight to remind me to love where I am..."love the people you work with" "enjoy tutoring" "have fun with your homework" "thank God for your friend". I'm excited to see my heart change when my mind first does the adjusting. Finally, I'm asking others to keep tabs on me. Friends, family, check up on me. Ask me how I'm enjoying this day, encourage me to work on my projects, call me out if I'm complaining about work. And thank you to you who love me-I'm so very aware of how blessed I am to be loved by you. Tonight is night one of the fresh start! Woo-hoo!

Fix You-Coldplay

2009-02-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Perfect. I needed this song to get me back in the swing of my blogging project. As I listen to this familiar tune, I am comforted by a sense of peace. Though these lyrics were most likely not written with reference to Christ, I get this great settledness when I think of God as the narrator of this song. These lyrics hit home. Lately, I feel like all I do is work, push and try harder. But I don't know that I have seen much come from these efforts. At least, nothing has looked like I hoped. At the same time, I understand life is not about trying just to achieve; if I'm never recognized, then so be it. I want to look to glorifying God rather than myself-but that's a whole other subject! Anyway, I'm resonating with these words tonight...and I know God is here, holding my hand to guide me through it all.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you

This song screams brokenness. When does change happen? When we are utterly and completely lost, at the bottom, drained from the endless tears. Then there is this picture of hope-a light-that directs us towards home, towards rest. Hmmmm...I'm smiling right now as I think of God's rest. Something else I love about looking at these lyrics is the obvious influence of God's pressing on hearts. Coldplay is an extremely respected and talented band; but they don't know Christ, as far as I know. I'm thinking that God has been drawing these guys to himself for a long time, and this is reflected in their word choices. I love it! It encourages me to pray more often for these extremely influential musicians. Man, I love this song. And I love how Jesus is teaching me so much about himself.

Come Thou Fount-Jadon Lavik

2009-01-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

I'd much prefer to listen to Sufjan's arrangement, but I won't turn this song down if it comes my way. I think I've always understood this hymn because of the truth it speaks. These words seem to give voice to my heart's stirrings lately:

Let thy goodness, like a fetter

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, oh take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above.

If I were to put these words into my own, I think I'd say, "God, let your goodness be the chain that binds my seeking heart to you. I feel a tendency to search elsewhere for Truth, to search for something else besides you, the one I love most. Please take this heart, my heart, and make it yours. Put your name on my heart, and get it ready for the days I will forever spend with you in Heaven."

Tonight, I'm extremely melancholy. I've been overly sensitive, emotional, and extremely off for the last couple days. I could excuse it all by saying I'm just tired and overworked, but really, I think my heart has been wandering. I'm desiring this big, blow-you-away love, but I haven't been looking to the Lover who gives me that every day. I want that joy back that I had not too long ago. It was a simple joy-a joy that looked for Jesus in every day and in every thing. Maybe these few days have just been a process of realizing Jesus is really all I ever want and need. I'm not satisfied with anything else, even if I strongly think I will be. So tonight, I'm thankful for a good, stable Father. In my wandering, he is always there to affirm Truth. I think I need to be done with this moody, emotional Jess. Onto a different attitude and a different focus. Jesus.

Sunshine-Matt Costa

2009-01-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

Oh my word! I love this song! It just popped up on Pandora, and I decided I'd use it for today's featured song. What cheer it brings! I'm not very familiar with Matt Costa, but I've enjoyed every song I've heard on Pandora. I can't tell you how joyful I am right now. God is so good. I'm realizing that more and more, and today, this song just added to my joy! On this Sunday afternoon as I do homework, listen to music, decorate my wall, and think about what God has planned, I am very thankful for my life. I can't even say more than that. I'm just hopeful and resting-finding joy in the little things. Enjoy today!

Human-Jon McLaughlin

2009-01-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

Gotta love piano-driven pop tunes! This song is very enjoyable, and the words hold a lot of truth. The line "we're only human, always fighting what we're feeling" is on repeat in my head right now. To be honest, it is a little annoying. Of course I am human. I don't need that reminder tonight. At the same time, I realize we are more than that. I guess I can sympathize with the fact that we are errant, imperfect beings, but I don't know if it should be an excuse. I wouldn't even go so far as to say that's what Jon McLaughlin is saying here. It just brought these thoughts to my attention. I think I often brush off my angry, bitter thoughts or unloving behavior as simply human. There is some truth to this, but as a follower of Jesus, there should be more to me now. I want to pursue him in a way that feels his pain, sees with his eyes, hears what he hears, and loves like he loves. If anything, God purposefully made us imperfect so that he would be glorified in our failings. I love knowing that the Fall wasn't an "oops". God has been thinking about and working with our human nature from the beginning. So, yes, I'm human. I mess up, I hurt the Jesus I claim to be madly in love with, and he opens his arms every time. But I am also a being that wants to please God and not let my human imperfections hinder me from completely loving him. Man, that's hard. I feel like I'm falling short of that desire lately. God, help me.

Mesmerized-Lifehouse

2009-01-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

This song is in my library, yet I don't think I have listened to it before today. I don't love it. I do like much of what Lifehouse creates, but this was just okay. The thing I love about Lifehouse's music is the flow of memories that comes whenever I hear the lead singer's distinctive voice. In high school, we sang You and Me in our small singing group. We sang to the tune of two acoustic guitars, joined in four part harmony, and I'll never forget the joy I took from being a part of that kind of group. Some of my best memories and closest friends all came from this group, Unity. We performed at several assemblies, school pageants, choir concerts, Christmas Feaste (also known as Madrigals), and various community events. It's funny to think that I lived in the choir room during my high school career. Between there and my competitive speaking classroom, I spent many hours outside of class just enjoying the people. I loved high school. Sometimes I get very critical of my younger years and my time at Springdale, but I really enjoyed it. I had so many opportunities, responsibilities, and memories.

And then, there is the Lifehouse song, Storm. This is a song I fell in love with shortly after David introduced it to me. The words and almost eerily beautiful melody take hold of me in a way that only few songs have done. I could list you those songs-I know them well-but Storm is definitely one. I have journaled about this song before in my daily thoughts, but maybe one day I'll get to include its influence in my little project. I don't really know how I went from the song Mesmerized to high school to Storm, but I don't think it matters. I don't have any rigid rules for this, so I'll just go with whatever happens. Until tomorrow...

Love is Not Against the Law-Derek Webb

2009-01-21T08:23:00.000-08:00

When this song came up, I was glad for it. Not only do I love Derek Webb's voice and musicality, but I enjoy his lyrics. At times, he is too political for my taste, but overall I really enjoy him. This song talks about loving our enemies, admitting our wrongs, and loving others equally. I am especially drawn to the verse that says, "Cause you cannot choose your friends, but you choose your enemies. But what if they were one-one and the same? Could you find a way to love them both the same?"

I wonder, how often do I really love those who are not my friends, family, or even acquaintances? I work with people, run into others as I do errands, meet new individuals through friends, and so on, but I don't know if I ever think about Christ's love for them. I believe because I love Jesus, I should be reflecting his love wherever I am. How do I that? What does this look like? Even more, I want to learn more about loving those with whom I daily spend time. As much as I know love is a great feeling, it is more so an active choice to put others before myself. I like the title "Love is Not Against the Law" because it is very obvious, yet a wonderful reminder to us. No one argues with genuine, selfless love. No matter your belief system, economic status, cultural background, or geographical location, love is a universal truth. So, why not? Why not love?

Writing to the tune of...

2009-01-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

Last summer, I started this project of taking one song every day, randomly selected by my iTunes library, and writing about that song's influence on me. Sometimes I'd just listen and free write. Other days I'd look at the band or musician and try to decide why I liked their music so much. My writing varied as much as the different music types, but it was very interesting to see the daily outcomes. I haven't continued with this little project or hobby, whatever you want to call it, but today I've decided to start it up again. I'm not extremely knowledgeable about music or writing, yet I love and take great joy from both. So, I guess I'll start here-today.

Love Addict-Family Force 5

Oh, wow. First day back and I get this song! I do enjoy Family Force 5, but I don't think I've ever thought about writing in response to their music. This song, Love Addict, is a song that makes me very happy. Yes, it's one of those temporal, momentary pieces of happiness, but I love it all the same. Music doesn't always have to be about beautiful verse or awe-inspiring musicianship. Sometimes, I like music simply because it is fun. And this band, my friends, is pure fun. Not only that, but the eccentric guys that make up Family Force 5 love Jesus. It is great to jump in my station wagon with a few friends, crank Love Addict, and enjoy letting loose. This song allows me to act a little immature sometimes-driving down the road, singing at the top of my lungs and pretending I know anything about dancing. It may not be thought-provoking or especially emotional, but I enjoy it. Anyway, it's a great song. Good, maybe unexpected, way to start off this new adventure of music and writing.

Love Today

2009-01-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

Today, Sunday, the 11th of January in the year 2009, is a good day. I'm a future-thinker, meaning "I can't wait until" have been some of my favorite words. Yet, recently, I've been reminded that today is pretty great, too! Today, I am content. I am looking forward to tomorrow and the rest of my future, but I love today. I've loved sharing with my church family. I enjoyed lunch with my friends. My tiny nap was good. And I read an essay by C.S. Lewis that challenged me greatly. Now, I am getting ready to spend the afternoon with my sister in our favorite place, a bookstore. So, thank you, Jesus. Thank you for today. Help me to daily love today and take joy in the place you have me.

P.S. I want an umbrella and a boy to kiss me :) That is for you, Karen!

Since I've been home...

2008-12-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have completely enjoyed being home! It's everything I was hoping for this break. The trip here was a very long and treacherous one, but we finally arrived at home Christmas Eve night. After I slid off the road once, my sister and brother-in-law got in an accident. Then, after continuing home, I slid off the road and hit a car on the way into the ditch. Needless to say, it was one of the worst days ever! Oh, then we waited almost four hours for a tow truck, stayed in a hotel, and drove all day on Christmas Eve-it was a little depressing and frustrating, but it made home even more appealing!

Christmas was wonderful this year, but a bit different without Ben and Jen. I don't think I knew how hard it would be-still, we were blessed with a wonderful day. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but I've loved that about home. This is most likely, well it is, our last Christmas living in Arkansas, so I feel like I'm drinking it all in. Friday, I went on a long with my parents and enjoyed the scenery of Arkansas. Today, my mom and I took another walk through the park close to our house-I love this area! It is beautiful and peaceful and familiar. Hmmmm... We also saw a movie Friday, Marley and Me (amazing and wonderful!), and then spent the night at home. Saturday, we spent the morning exchanging and returning Christmas stuff. Later, I met my dear friend, Josh, for lunch. I've realized that I have simply amazing friends. I am so blessed. The time with Josh was encouraging, affirming, and challenging. And that's how this whole time at home has been! My parents speak words of Truth to me, our home church did that this morning, and my sibling relationships have been teaching me so much!

Though this last semester was an excellent one, I was exhausted coming home. My emotions, brain, and body were just fried! I love how God knows just what we need to be filled. Along with his grace, he surrounds us with people and events that give us just what we need at that present time. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for your grace. So, home has been wonderful. I've taken Arkansas for granted for too long...this is an amazing area. Now, I'm off to read a good book and fall asleep. :) Enjoy a piece of Arkansas Christmas. And all you Indiana folk, it hasn't been less than 60 degrees here. HeHe!

More Than Enough

2008-12-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

The semester's end is drawing closer! Tomorrow starts final's week, and then we are done! Amazing! I am very relieved to be so close to finishing this semester, yet I am also so thankful for the past few months. How good they have been! This weekend has been tough, but I have seen God's faithfulness in so many ways! I have incredible people in my life. My girlfriends love me in ways I don't truly understand. They can be crazy and ridiculous, and then turn right around to go deep with me. I love your hearts, Karen and Lyndsey. You are gifts to me!

Today, I am so aware of God's goodness. He is enough for me-MORE than enough. I don't deserve this overwhelming grace he gives me, yet I love seeing it first hand. So, as I look back at this semester I would like to point out ways that God has revealed himself to me. Thank you, Jesus. And I look forward to another semester of walking with you!

*Friendships-this year has been one of deep, filling relationships. I can't thank my friends enough for their patience, encouragement, challenging words, and overall directing towards Jesus. You, my friends, give me great joy!

*Work-my job search was long and frustrating, but has turned out very well. I'm still settling in, but the whole thing shouts God's plan. I'm excited to see where God takes this.

*My passions-the whole area of writing and creating has been interesting this year. As a communication major, I've been involved with lots of publication, writing papers, and researching. The amazing part of this is, I love it! I feel so productive, so purposeful. God has simply reassured me that this is where he wants me. And plus, my passion for speaking has been renewed! Part of me can't wait to see what happens next, but I'm also content to wait for what God has right now.

*Questions-this is very vague, but only because it seems that there have been so many this past semester. At some point, these questions turned into great doubt in my Father, and there was a rough patch in our relationship. Still, God brought my focus back to him and his Truth. I know who pursues me, who gives me rest, and questions I have are offered directly to him. He's taught me to be content, yet to intensely pursue his will in every bit of my life.

*My family-for anyone who knows me well, you know this semester has been emotional and challenging for my family. Things have been far less than perfect, but I love seeing the growth in all of us. The presence of peace and hope is undeniable within our family. Walls have been broken down, hearts have been challenged by the Spirit, and we have drawn closer together within all this uncertainty.

*My value in Christ-this is something I have been hearing for years, yet haven't completely understood until this year. I feel like I could write and talk about this for hours, yet I'm ironically lost for words right now. I'm tired yes, but I'm also so struck by the Truth of God. Who he is, how he loves me, how he teaches me to love others, how he never changes...there is so much to this complex, yet relational God of ours.

Here is something I read this summer that has recently come back to me. It's from Donald Miller's book Through Painted Deserts, and I have made these words my own.

Who he is, is good. Even if I want to run, it isn't really what I want. What I want is Him, even if I don't believe it. If he made all this existence, you would think he would know what he is doing, and you would think He could be trusted. Everything I want is just him, to get lost in him, to feel his love and more and more of his dazzling that he does.

I'm thankful for challenges, for times of rejoicing, and everything in between. Good night. :) OOh, and Merry Christmas-we're getting closer!

What Can I Give Him?

2008-12-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a wise man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give him: give my heart.

These words are simply amazing. I have to say that this song is my favorite at Christmas. I love the praise it gives Jesus, and still, it challenges me to be humble before him. I've been battling with a lot lately; a lot of inner pain and discontent. I realized how little I was trusting Jesus and how little time I'd been spending with him. And then, I discovered how great my doubt had become. I was no longer seeing Jesus in his majesty. As God began to soften my heart and reveal this to me, he reminded me of this song, In The Bleak Midwinter. I am so in awe of how God knows me. He is this powerful, beautiful King, yet he wants me to sit with him as his child. Wow. Oh man, I so much to learn.

And today, I have been physically stretched. My body is exhausted, but I am completely content. Maybe it's the joy of Christmas, the decorations popping up everywhere, carols filling my room, the crunch of snow beneath my feet. Or maybe it's the hope of Jesus, a man humbly entering earth as a baby and holding his sovereignty at the same time. I love this Jesus of ours. He is good. So good. And he gives us rest. He gives us joy! He gives us people to love us, challenge, and enjoy us. Thanks for this time of year, Jesus. I love the simple joys of Christmas, but mostly, I love better understanding your love for me.

Thanks!

2008-11-27T10:14:00.000-08:00

So, today is Thanksgiving. I woke up, sat around the table with my family, and talked to Ben and Jen in South Korea! Good morning. Then, since I am the only other female besides my mom this year, I helped out in the kitchen all morning. I was doing so well! I have been feeling so hopeful and confident in my cooking skills! A few dishes had been made, pies were in the oven, and I moved on to the sweet potatoes. Oh no....

After getting the whole thing put together, making the yummy, crumbly topping, my mom came over and tasted it. "Oh no," she said. "Something's wrong. What do I taste?" Guess what your pal Jess did? She put salt instead of sugar into the sweet pototoe casserole and the topping. Wow.

For a long time, I've said I can't cook. Part of me has simply not tried, but today was a good day! I tried, I did well, I screwed up a very essential dish, and I learned a lot. :) So, thanks! It's been a good morning. And I'm just laughing at myself for how awesome my salt and sugar mixup was. I'm going to have a very interesting first year of marriage, I can already tell.

Today, though, I am very thankful. I love having my parents and brother here. The past few days have been so good! Plus, David has decided on Bethel as his college and I'm so excited! I also have thoroughly enjoyed the presence of my friends these past couple days. I love them so entirely much! Last night, two of my best friends came over to play games, hang out, and just spend time with me and my family. They are incredible friends, ones I am daily thanking Jesus for. Combining their love with my family's is like watching a Christian Bale movie with an entirely Sondre Lerche inspired soundtrack-it can't get much better. I want more days like yesterday. Rest was so present. :)

I hope you all are enjoying this day and this break. Rest. Enjoy. Just Be. And thank him for who he is. :) Love you all!

4 a.m. Thoughts

2008-11-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, my friends and I participated in Scripture 66, the reading of the entire Bible through one weekend. We decided to read from 4 to 6 in the morning, and though I was not especially excited at first, I loved it. I was reading through my journal tonight, and I found my thoughts from that morning. This is what God has been teaching me, and he used that early morning to further challenge and woo me. So, here are some thoughts that I've been thinking. :)

11/3/08

Philippians 4:4-9 (Amazing)

Your peace will guard my heart and mind; it goes beyond anything I can understand.

Lead me on and I will run after you.

(An untitled poem)

Hold my hand

Grab it in yours and lead me

Take me through the woods

Through the trees

The falling leaves

Through the darkness

Apart from you

I stumble

I run aimlessly

Through trees

Through the falling leaves

Through the darkness

I long to follow

I trip

I get lost

You hold my hand

Even in my weakness

You intertwine my fingers in yours

Squeeze tightly

Warmth fills my body

I had to reach for that hand, though

You offered-

I grabbed, accepted

Pursuing your hand

Your heart

I want to know

And follow hard after you

Forgive my wandering heart

My hand that seeks another

In my self-love

I have become lost

Become greater

Make me less

Hold my hand, dear Jesus

My Romancer

And Pursuer

Leader

I will follow

I want

to want

to follow

And run after you

I can't wait...

2008-11-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I need a little variety in my blogging routine. I like to document my thoughts, recent events, good and bad news, etc., but I also like to have some fun with what I put on this thing.

Bradley Hathaway puts adequate words to my present state:

Ecstatic... Thoughts... Uncontrollably sporadic. Yet centered around one center... joy. In plush ripe tones, joy is rushing through my bones.If joy was a color it would be purple pastel pretty like old women and young children both wear on Easter, smiling while having deviled eggs and drinking koolaid, chasing blown bubbles in the backyard. The young ones distracting hats fly off and the old ones laugh a contagious laughter that is to be shared by everyone there. The sun shines down upon them as all of their physical imperfections gleam beautifully... and inside... inside here I feel like this.

And I look outside my window and imagine the future purple pastel pretty moments of joy that I will one day have with my wife and my children, my friends and my family. I really look forward to those moments but I am thankful for the one I am having right now, this morning, alone, on my couch, overwhelmed by joy.

I am so looking forward to what God has ahead for me, but today is a day that I am relishing. I love it. I want to enjoy every day, simply because it's a new day. But there are things I can't wait to experience. Things are awaiting me, may they be serious or just plain whimsical. It's so exciting!

I can't wait:

-to see my family in a few weeks! They will be here for Thanksgiving, a choir concert, a Bethel visit, and just time with the family.

-for winter! And Christmas! I love every thing about this season, this time of the year. We're already thinking of fun things to do: trip to Chicago (with the lights and hopefully snow!), some home-visiting, Christmas parties, snow battles, etc!

-to see what God is doing with this new idea of rest. What would it look like to share this with others? Does he want me to pursue a leadership/servant role in this? God is making my heart jump with glee!

These are all relatively current hopes, but I also get excited about other parts of my future:

-going to Oxford (I so hope!)

-graduating (Humanities and Bib. Studies! Yeah)

-somewhere along the way meeting "him" :) getting married!

-teaching (college level? maybe)

-exploring (I want to see so many places: Denmark, Ireland, India, Egypt, England, Australia, Indonesia, S. Korea, China, Honduras, Montana, New York, Maine, Washington)

-family time (I can't wait to spend holidays with my immediate family, my siblings and their families, and our parents...such a beautiful picture)

-meet Christian Bale and Sondre Lerche

I'm in a very content, yet hopeful mood. I like it a lot. I'd like to be here more often. So, good day! Enjoy this beautiful 24 hours!

On a lighter note...

2008-10-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank God for people. And fall. And the cold! :)

I love all three of these pictures because they showcase beautiful people in beautiful settings. The first two were taken before David, my younger brother, went to Homecoming. And the second was taken during a glorious trip to New Castle, Indiana. We were heading to a wedding and stopped to take a few fun photos first.

These last few days have been very emotional for me. Things are changing all around me: family, friends, passions, etc. I've been hit with a lot of homework, as well, and I'm just drained. Within all this, though, I have so enjoyed seeing God carry me. He is sparking little fireworks inside me-love for people, love for rest, and combining the two. I'm so ready to move. I will soon be working in an environment where my comfort level will drop dramatically, and I can't wait. I know how good God is. He loves me and wants to spend time with me. Man, I love that. So, I'm tired; physically, emotionally, mentally. But I'm resting in him. And it's so good.

Seeking Balance

2008-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

I would like to ask your forgiveness. I fear that I have been trying, for too long, to be something I'm not. I want to be perfect. There, I said it. I want so badly to be this or that, every thing I've decided is unique and worthy of people's time. In seeking authenticity, I've become a little plastic.

I feel that I've been speaking words I want people to hear. I want people to know me, the genuine, me, yet I guess I'm not happy with the truth of who that really is. God has brought me so far in understanding my identity in him, yet I'm realizing now that I'm not yet resting in his Truth about me. I need him so desperately. I'm hurting. I feel very lost. And I hate how me-centered life has become.

So here I am. I want to start over. Tonight, I am committing to live in Truth. I am precious to Jesus. I do not need to be some independent, celibate woman to prove that I'm secure. I want to fall in love. I want it badly. I also want to depend on Jesus more than any other being, including my future husband. I have dreamt about the man God will give me for the rest of my life. I have written him letters, prayed for him, and spent hours talking about him with my sister. :) I say all this, in some ways, to trump my last blog that I fear may have come off wrong. In no way do I want to be abrasive or controlling. God is the writer of my story, not me. I know that I'm made for relationship. We all are. And I know that God has set aside a specific person just for me-someone I can't wait to love with this heart and mind. I also know that I have not experienced that yet, and that's okay. I will rest in Jesus, and I will trust him.

I'm seeking balance-in relationships, in my future, and in my chaotic, introspective self. I tend to be a perfectionist, and it doesn't always benefit me. I've been praying for purpose, for stability, and I feel like I've just been frustrated rather than provided for. At least that's my side of the story. Meanwhile, God has been revealing his purpose to me. Purpose can be individualistic, but it is very much just part of knowing Jesus. My purpose is to glorify Jesus. I have not been keeping him at the front of my thoughts, and I see how I've been affected by that.

So, friends, please forgive me. Please hold me accountable to trusting Jesus, seeking him, and seeking balance in my life. I want to be genuine in my relationships with you all. I want to love you the way I've been called to love you. I've not been doing a great job recently, but I'm excited about where God is going to take me from here.

And to my family, I thank you for your unconditional love. Mom, I thank you for your words of Truth. Thank you for affirming me in my value. I have been a bit distant, and I apologize. I want to be a Godly daughter and sister, and I want to love you selflessly.

I need to rest. I talk about it often, yet I have been so far removed from it. Rest...I'm seeking it, and I know it's close. Thanks for loving me, all. I'm so blessed by you.

The joys of single living...and of relationships.

2008-10-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

A few of my friends tease me about being a closet-feminist. I wouldn't admit to that much, but I will say I'm a fan of independence. Before this year, I would have never imagined being comfortable with my singleness. For much of my adolescent existence, I've thought about marriage and what it will be like some day. The idea of love has been so attractive. I'm not one who has planned out my wedding, and I certainly did not come to Bethel to get married. With that said, I do see myself getting married some day. I look forward to that day, but for now I'm so content to be single. God has blessed this time of my life in beautiful ways. I'm understanding now that he has given me much freedom and availability in my single life. So instead of falling into the temptation of "When is it going to be my turn to fall in love?" I am basking in being single.

At the same time, I see examples of beautiful relationships all around me. It can get a bit annoying at times, but overall, it makes me happy.

So, thinking back to my first comment about feminism, I wonder why two comments from friends were huge compliments to me. First, a friend of mine told me I wasn't very feminine, but very stylish. Loved it! Then, today, two guy friends of mine made a remark about me not being an airhead. Again, so great to hear. I guess I've just been battling with some silly identity stuff, but these comments affirmed my individuality to me. I'm me, and people like that. Thanks for liking me, friends.

Putting all that aside, God has been faithful in huge ways this week! As I said, I've been working through some self-pity things recently. God has used friends, new acquaintances, and family to reaffirm me. AND...I finally have a job! Thank you, Jesus! Gap called me today about a job offer, and I was so touched by God's goodness. Amazing Provider.

I am content. I am pursuing God. And I'm still resting. Good day.

Northern Michigan is my heart's home

2008-10-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

A few of us enjoying some Wii

Woh...I'm in love.

The Ben Bulgrien and Lynds

Again, God makes me smile. Thanks, Jesus.

The whole group!

I promise to elaborate more later, but I must say I am in love with northern Michigan. This weekend was the perfect fall experience. We stayed with Laura's family, enjoyed her church family, and basked in the time of rest. Our group was amazing! Here are a few pictures from the weekend, and again, I promise to fill you in more soon.

These Friends of Mine

2008-10-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends ago, my friends and I sat in Sufficient Grounds together. This happens often, but on this specific occasion the above sequence of photos were taken. After finding these photos on my camera a day or two later, I was warmed by the love of my friends. I have been praying for these friendships for a long time, and I love seeing how God has provided.

Sunday night was another night that I became overwhelmed with these friends of mine. We went to River Valley for a night of prayer and worship, and I was so blessed by God's goodness. Greg, Chester, Karen and I prayed together as a family that night. I couldn't get over how amazing our time was. Our time together is always wonderful, but Sunday night was what my mom would call a "holy moment." I understood God's love for relationship in a new way that night, and he continues to reveal his love for me through these friends. These three friends, as well as the lovely Lyndsey, have been the most amazing examples of Jesus to me. I am in love with them! So, friends, I love you. Here are a few words from the talented Rosie Thomas that seem to convey my feelings for you.

These Friends of Mine-Rosie Thomas

These friends of mine live their lives
Spend their time, hoping to find
But who they are and how they are made
They may be there, hope you find your way

These friends of mine, they have wives
They work hard to love and write
And when they left, it makes me high
To take a trip ten thousand miles before they fly

These friends of mine, they feel alone
When the shows are over, don't know where to go
In Philadelphia at Christimas time
They question those, wonder why they try

And when the show is over
How I hope that they discover the joy that they bring
And I hope they remember this bond we have together
And oh, they love to sing

These friends of mine, they are from New York
There were raised in Michigan
They don't know things, they don't hold hands
They guard their hards the best they can

And when the show is over
How I hope that they discover the joy that they bring
And I hope they remember this bond we have together
Oh, they love to sing, they sure love to sing

Maybe I needed this time to be reminded for myself
Maybe I needed this time to be reminded for myself
How I love to sing.

In Motion

2008-10-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

My foot rests on the brake

Hands tightly grip the wheel

Reluctantly, I release

My foot flinches to the right-

ready, but scared

It puts pressure on the gas

and I am moving forward

Steadily, I flow into a world unknown to this heart

The complete sense of peace overwhelms my smile

Peace

Joy

Rest

All I have sought,

yet never before enjoyed this much

Leaves dance around swaying trees

Sondre soothes my ears

This is bliss

There was no plan-

no premeditation-

no goal

Just foot to pedal

Foot to pedal

And I was off

Onto a road of joy

of rest and of peace

You are the greatest Giver

The greatest Mover

Thank You

It smells like fall.

2008-10-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

The past two days have been beautiful. The cold, crisp fall air feels like an old friend has returned. I can't properly explain it, but fall does strange things to me. The faint scent of pumpkin, cinnamon, or earthy leaves makes my stomach do cartwheels. They're good cartwheels, though. They're hopeful, adoring cartwheels that announce fall is here. For any person even mildly acquainted with me, you'd know I thrive in fall. The colors are so me. The atmosphere is perfect. And fall holds so many wonderful pieces of joy-campfires, coffee, cider, my birthday, warm clothing, scarves, Thanksgiving, good drives, soothing music, family, friends, spending time with Jesus. When I look at everything I enjoy in fall, I realize I'm hopelessly romantic. Monday night I sat in my car, listened to Sondre and immersed myself in the beauty of fall. I was content. And then I imagined what it would be like to share this contentment with someone. Oh no. There's the romance.

Romance is by no means a bad thing. Not at all. I just don't want it to be my focus right now. Yet I look at the perfect Romancer, Jesus, and I'm thankful for love. I've just started reading C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves and I'm looking forward to understanding love better. Back to Jesus, though, I'm amazed by his example of the Pursuer. I love that I can see him as my Bridegroom. I asked a friend, a guy, if it was difficult to see Jesus as their bridegroom. He said it was hard to directly equate Jesus to the groom, but it was easy to see him as Lover. Wow. Jesus is our Lover.

I'm not one who would say, "I'm dating Jesus," but I love seeking after him in this love relationship. If God chooses for me to marry some day, I'll rejoice. And if I am single for a long time or forever, I'll rejoice, too. Fall reminds me that Jesus is close. I love that he graces us with seasons, with gifts of nature and simple enjoyment. He is so good. So now, I'm going to go get a latte, sit with friends, and enjoy this season. Ahhhh....

Relationships

2008-09-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

I am am extremely relationship-oriented. Big surprise, right? No. Most people, most women, are driven by their relationships. We also see the perfect picture of relationship in the trinity-Father, Son, and Spirit-and we strive for the same. As I thought about my various relationships, I began to see beauty in the people God has placed in my life. Family. Friends. Church. Professors. Co-workers. Employers. I am overwhelmed by the joy I find in these connections with people. God has been challenging me to get the focus off of myself, onto him, and then onto others. So, today, I would love to reflect on one relationship and on one person who brings so much to my life.

Joshua Martin Looney sometimes exemplifies his last name. He would kill me if he knew I was writing this about him, but that makes him all the more worthy of these words. Josh and I met in high school after a year of choir, competitive speaking, and mutual friends' urging for us to get together. Yep, we were pretty much set up. We dated for about six months, realized we were nothing more than good friends, and since then, we've been closer than I could have ever imagined. Throughout the past four years, I have seen Josh grow into a man in pursuit of the Father's heart. We are famous for our coffee house conversations, something that happened often. In those conversations, I've seen a passionate, hungry follower of Jesus. Josh wants to be culturally aware, yet compassionate and loving towards every individual. He and I share a love for music, literature, movies, and foreign lands, all of which can be discussed for hours at Barnes and Noble.

As wonderful as Josh seems, he has a few imperfections. For one, he loves Angelina Jolie and we will never come to an agreement about this woman. :) He also enjoys kidnapping his friends and leading them to unknown places. At times, Josh is known to ditch certain gatherings of friends because of "family dinners" or "birthdays." We are often suspicious of these things.

Imperfections and all, I'm so thankful for my brother. He recently sent me an amazing letter in the mail-yes, in the mail!-that made my spirits jump with joy. I read this letter, and I understood God's love again. I don't deserve friends like Josh who take time to encourage me, to tell me how wonderfully made I am. God is so gracious to give me relationships like this. I have known Josh to be one of my greatest cheerleaders and affirmers-if Josh says I can do it, I can. And I can name numerous times God has used Josh's words to speak clearly to me.

He pushes me through Wal-Mart in a cart. He makes ridiculous amounts of cookies. Josh studies for the LSATS during the summer, while I read my speaking book. :) He is talented, determined, caring, passionate, honest, and inviting, and I'm grateful for my inclusion in his life.

Oh, JOY!!!!!!

2008-09-17T13:30:00.001-07:00

I am simply overwhelmed by grace. By joy. By rest.

Today is a day of rejoicing! I am free in Jesus because he broke me. It took so long, too long, for me to get to this place. But I am here. Only because of Jesus.

I have been searching for contentment for a long time. It seemed like I was drowning while waiting for true joy, but I didn't fervently try to rise above the waves. Honestly, I've been comfortable in this somewhat melancholy and mediocre life I've been living for the past year. God has been drawing me to something bigger, but I didn't fully accept his offering. So I held onto some walls that were between God and I. I hid behind them, I painted them, made them look pretty good, but they were still solid walls. Jesus loved me fiercely and challenged me during this time, but I still didn't rest in his ideas of joy.

As I began to face these barriers between Jesus and I, my heart started to soften. I was realizing the extent of my selfishness. I was clearly seeing the "stuff" I needed to give completely to God. And then today, oh what a day, it happened. I was quiet...finally, quiet. I knew that I was ready to change my attitude and my focus. So, as simple as it sounds, I did. God took all the junk that's been clouding my image of him, put it out of my hands, and I finally let him.

I can't get over this joy! I'd been begging God for joy, asking others to do the same for me. But today was different because I let go of fear...of control. Wow!!! I am here, Jesus. I'm here, content and ready for you. I sensed you were preparing me for something this school year, and I now understand your faithfulness so much more. Even if this understanding of joy is your big thing, that's more than enough. But God, if you want more of me, challenge me. I'm ready, willing, and excited about this new-found, newly-understood part of who you are. Teach me to love like you love and to want what you want. I am amazed by you.

I could not truly sing the song I auditioned for today. With a title like "Count It All Joy," I wanted to sing its truth, but I couldn't yet. Then today, after spending time with Jesus, I began to hum this song. We are burdened, broken people. We are undeserving. We are beautiful because of Jesus. Let's count it all joy. Joy, joy, joy! Thank you, Jesus. You are the giver and maker of joy.

Lessons from this crazy week

2008-09-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but this week has been exhausting. Spiritual Emphasis week would be my easy answer, but I didn't even get to attend many of the extra chapels. Whatever the reason for this draining week, I'm glad it's behind me. And I'm glad I went through it. I don't ever want to take for granted my time. Trying as this week was, I learned so much. So, here are a few tidbits I've taken from this week:

- Others are always more important than I am: This lesson seems to be a constant theme in my life, but this week was different. I was so conscious of my selfishness, and then God really convicted me. Though personal time is important and necessary, my time with people needs to be more so.

- I am terrible with procrastination: Many college students fall into the procrastination rut, but it tears me a part. I hate the feelings of stress, anxiety, and self-consciousness, like most people, but when these feelings are connected to academics, I feel sick. So, I am committing to using the time I have wisely. Long process? Probably, but I'm ready for it!

- My family is better than yours: I'm so amazed by the family that surrounds me. This week, I've had so much good happen in my family relationships. I can't get over the joy I know with them. It's amazing, and I can't wait for more!

- Rest is good: For any one who knows me, rest has been a huge part of my spiritual growth. Just read my last post and you'll understand. Again this week, God used people, music, and his Word to draw me to his rest. So, so good.

- I am in head-over-heels love with music: Music is definitely a part of my life - I sing it, listen to it, occasionally create it. Yet this past week, any time I'd be struggling with classes, friendships, inner battles, and so on, God used music to speak his Truth to me and to simply comfort me.

In all these lessons, I realize the glory goes to God! My humanity failed this week, yet God made something lovely from it all. AMEN! So be it.

Oh, no...another blog!!!!!

2008-09-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

So, I have yet again tried my hand at a fresh blogging experience. I realized with my last one that only members of that specific blog could comment, so that doesn't work out for my family and friends. I am here to say this is it! My last and only blog is here, bam, right in front of you.

I won't include too much tonight, but I do want to document something God did in my heart tonight. We serve a gracious, loving, empowering Father. After a meeting that ran longer than expected, I didn't make it to chapel tonight. I was disappointed, but then I felt God's push for me to go spend some alone time with him. I went to the library, spread my Bible and journal out before me, and waited. Come on God I thought. Just speak to me, tell me what you want from me. As I should have known, it wasn't that easy, and I praise God for stretching me. Sitting with God, seeking him in his word, and resting before him was just what he wanted from me. It was so simple! I have been trying so diligently to figure out what I've been missing, and God had been asking me to just rest. He wants me to just rest before him, get away from myself, and focus on him. Tonight, as a result, I am choosing to rest, pursue God, and stop thinking so much about myself. How do I stop this prideful habit of putting me before all else? I'm making it a daily prayer, asking others to keep me accountable, and practicing writing about anyone but myself. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.