On a lighter note...

I just want to thank God for people. And fall. And the cold! :)

I love all three of these pictures because they showcase beautiful people in beautiful settings. The first two were taken before David, my younger brother, went to Homecoming. And the second was taken during a glorious trip to New Castle, Indiana. We were heading to a wedding and stopped to take a few fun photos first. 

These last few days have been very emotional for me. Things are changing all around me: family, friends, passions, etc. I've been hit with a lot of homework, as well, and I'm just drained. Within all this, though, I have so enjoyed seeing God carry me. He is sparking little fireworks inside me-love for people, love for rest, and combining the two. I'm so ready to move. I will soon be working in an environment where my comfort level will drop dramatically, and I can't wait. I know how good God is. He loves me and wants to spend time with me. Man, I love that. So, I'm tired; physically, emotionally, mentally. But I'm resting in him. And it's so good. 

Seeking Balance

I would like to ask your forgiveness. I fear that I have been trying, for too long, to be something I'm not. I want to be perfect. There, I said it. I want so badly to be this or that, every thing I've decided is unique and worthy of people's time. In seeking authenticity, I've become a little plastic. 

I feel that I've been speaking words I want people to hear. I want people to know me, the genuine, me, yet I guess I'm not happy with the truth of who that really is. God has brought me so far in understanding my identity in him, yet I'm realizing now that I'm not yet resting in his Truth about me. I need him so desperately. I'm hurting. I feel very lost. And I hate how me-centered life has become. 

So here I am. I want to start over. Tonight, I am committing to live in Truth. I am precious to Jesus. I do not need to be some independent, celibate woman to prove that I'm secure. I want to fall in love. I want it badly. I also want to depend on Jesus more than any other being, including my future husband. I have dreamt about the man God will give me for the rest of my life. I have written him letters, prayed for him, and spent hours talking about him with my sister. :) I say all this, in some ways, to trump my last blog that I fear may have come off wrong. In no way do I want to be abrasive or controlling. God is the writer of my story, not me. I know that I'm made for relationship. We all are. And I know that God has set aside a specific person just for me-someone I can't wait to love with this heart and mind. I also know that I have not experienced that yet, and that's okay. I will rest in Jesus, and I will trust him.

I'm seeking balance-in relationships, in my future, and in my chaotic, introspective self. I tend to be a perfectionist, and it doesn't always benefit me. I've been praying for purpose, for stability, and I feel like I've just been frustrated rather than provided for. At least that's my side of the story. Meanwhile, God has been revealing his purpose to me. Purpose can be individualistic, but it is very much just part of knowing Jesus. My purpose is to glorify Jesus. I have not been keeping him at the front of my thoughts, and I see how I've been affected by that. 

So, friends, please forgive me. Please hold me accountable to trusting Jesus, seeking him, and seeking balance in my life. I want to be genuine in my relationships with you all. I want to love you the way I've been called to love you. I've not been doing a great job recently, but I'm excited about where God is going to take me from here. 

And to my family, I thank you for your unconditional love. Mom, I thank you for your words of Truth. Thank you for affirming me in my value. I have been a bit distant, and I apologize. I want to be a Godly daughter and sister, and I want to love you selflessly. 

I need to rest. I talk about it often, yet I have been so far removed from it. Rest...I'm seeking it, and I know it's close. Thanks for loving me, all. I'm so blessed by you.

 

The joys of single living...and of relationships.

A few of my friends tease me about being a closet-feminist. I wouldn't admit to that much, but I will say I'm a fan of independence. Before this year, I would have never imagined being comfortable with my singleness. For much of my adolescent existence, I've thought about marriage and what it will be like some day. The idea of love has been so attractive. I'm not one who has planned out my wedding, and I certainly did not come to Bethel to get married. With that said, I do see myself getting married some day. I look forward to that day, but for now I'm so content to be single. God has blessed this time of my life in beautiful ways. I'm understanding now that he has given me much freedom and availability in my single life. So instead of falling into the temptation of "When is it going to be my turn to fall in love?" I am basking in being single. 

At the same time, I see examples of beautiful relationships all around me. It can get a bit annoying at times, but overall, it makes me happy. 

So, thinking back to my first comment about feminism, I wonder why two comments from friends were huge compliments to me. First, a friend of mine told me I wasn't very feminine, but very stylish. Loved it! Then, today, two guy friends of mine made a remark about me not being an airhead. Again, so great to hear. I guess I've just been battling with some silly identity stuff, but these comments affirmed my individuality to me. I'm me, and people like that. Thanks for liking me, friends.

Putting all that aside, God has been faithful in huge ways this week! As I said, I've been working through some self-pity things recently. God has used friends, new acquaintances, and family to reaffirm me. AND...I finally have a job! Thank you, Jesus! Gap called me today about a job offer, and I was so touched by God's goodness. Amazing Provider. 

I am content. I am pursuing God. And I'm still resting. Good day.

Northern Michigan is my heart's home

A few of us enjoying some Wii

Woh...I'm in love.

The Ben Bulgrien and Lynds

Again, God makes me smile. Thanks, Jesus.

The whole group!

I promise to elaborate more later, but I must say I am in love with northern Michigan. This weekend was the perfect fall experience. We stayed with Laura's family, enjoyed her church family, and basked in the time of rest. Our group was amazing! Here are a few pictures from the weekend, and again, I promise to fill you in more soon.

These Friends of Mine

A couple weekends ago, my friends and I sat in Sufficient Grounds together. This happens often, but on this specific occasion the above sequence of photos were taken. After finding these photos on my camera a day or two later, I was warmed by the love of my friends. I have been praying for these friendships for a long time, and I love seeing how God has provided.

Sunday night was another night that I became overwhelmed with these friends of mine. We went to River Valley for a night of prayer and worship, and I was so blessed by God's goodness. Greg, Chester, Karen and I prayed together as a family that night. I couldn't get over how amazing our time was. Our time together is always wonderful, but Sunday night was what my mom would call a "holy moment." I understood God's love for relationship in a new way that night, and he continues to reveal his love for me through these friends. These three friends, as well as the lovely Lyndsey, have been the most amazing examples of Jesus to me. I am in love with them! So, friends, I love you. Here are a few words from the talented Rosie Thomas that seem to convey my feelings for you.

These Friends of Mine-Rosie Thomas

These friends of mine live their lives
Spend their time, hoping to find
But who they are and how they are made
They may be there, hope you find your way

These friends of mine, they have wives
They work hard to love and write
And when they left, it makes me high
To take a trip ten thousand miles before they fly

These friends of mine, they feel alone
When the shows are over, don't know where to go
In Philadelphia at Christimas time
They question those, wonder why they try

And when the show is over
How I hope that they discover the joy that they bring
And I hope they remember this bond we have together
And oh, they love to sing

These friends of mine, they are from New York
There were raised in Michigan
They don't know things, they don't hold hands
They guard their hards the best they can

And when the show is over
How I hope that they discover the joy that they bring
And I hope they remember this bond we have together
Oh, they love to sing, they sure love to sing

Maybe I needed this time to be reminded for myself
Maybe I needed this time to be reminded for myself
How I love to sing.

In Motion

My foot rests on the brake

Hands tightly grip the wheel

Reluctantly, I release

My foot flinches to the right-

ready, but scared

It puts pressure on the gas

and I am moving forward

Steadily, I flow into a world unknown to this heart

The complete sense of peace overwhelms my smile

Peace

Joy

Rest

All I have sought,

yet never before enjoyed this much

Leaves dance around swaying trees

Sondre soothes my ears

This is bliss

There was no plan-

no premeditation-

no goal

Just foot to pedal

Foot to pedal

And I was off

Onto a road of joy

of rest and of peace

You are the greatest Giver

The greatest Mover

Thank You 

It smells like fall.

The past two days have been beautiful. The cold, crisp fall air feels like an old friend has returned. I can't properly explain it, but fall does strange things to me. The faint scent of pumpkin, cinnamon, or earthy leaves makes my stomach do cartwheels. They're good cartwheels, though. They're hopeful, adoring cartwheels that announce fall is here. For any person even mildly acquainted with me, you'd know I thrive in fall. The colors are so me. The atmosphere is perfect. And fall holds so many wonderful pieces of joy-campfires, coffee, cider, my birthday, warm clothing, scarves, Thanksgiving, good drives, soothing music, family, friends, spending time with Jesus. When I look at everything I enjoy in fall, I realize I'm hopelessly romantic. Monday night I sat in my car, listened to Sondre and immersed myself in the beauty of fall. I was content. And then I imagined what it would be like to share this contentment with someone. Oh no. There's the romance.

Romance is by no means a bad thing. Not at all. I just don't want it to be my focus right now. Yet I look at the perfect Romancer, Jesus, and I'm thankful for love. I've just started reading C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves and I'm looking forward to understanding love better. Back to Jesus, though, I'm amazed by his example of the Pursuer. I love that I can see him as my Bridegroom. I asked a friend, a guy, if it was difficult to see Jesus as their bridegroom. He said it was hard to directly equate Jesus to the groom, but it was easy to see him as Lover. Wow. Jesus is our Lover.

I'm not one who would say, "I'm dating Jesus," but I love seeking after him in this love relationship. If God chooses for me to marry some day, I'll rejoice. And if I am single for a long time or forever, I'll rejoice, too. Fall reminds me that Jesus is close. I love that he graces us with seasons, with gifts of nature and simple enjoyment. He is so good. So now, I'm going to go get a latte, sit with friends, and enjoy this season. Ahhhh....